Not So Boring After All
by Ferowyn
Summary: Peter's life is boring. Boo-ring. Until Sirius comes along...


**Not So Boring After All**

Hey, you, over there- … _you_, I'm talking to- … why are you ignoring- … oh.

You can't see me.

I should've known.

But… you can hear me, right?

Well. That's better than nothing.

It means I've got someone I can talk to. Being a ghost sucks, you know? It's boring. Boo-ring.

Especially when everyone who's around is muggles. You guys can't see me, and you tend to freak out when you realize some invisible being is talking to you. That actually _was_ fun… for the first ten years. By now it's annoying. And depressing. And boring. Boo-ring.

Ah, whatever. You're here now. And you haven't run, or screamed, or anything. So, I'll be going on and on, just a warning.

Oh.

Maybe I'm too rash.

After all you don't know who I am.

You might run and scream – or the other way round – when you find out.

Well. Let me introduce myself: My name is Peter Pettigrew, or Wormtail, as my friends used to call me. And later my enemies. … That sucked, you know?

…

_Oh._

You've heard about me. Only bad stuff, I presume?

…

Yes, I thought so. Well, Harry's a sweet boy. … Uh. I suppose he's a man now. Anyway, he's sweet and everything, and loved Sirius very much, but he only knows half of the story. And he's made sure everyone thinks I'm a bastard and nothing but.

…

So you want to hear the real story?

Well, I'd _love_ to tell you. … I _did_ warn you already that I won't be stopping any time soon, did I? Yes? Perfect.

So.

Here's the truth.

* * *

My childhood… was boring. Boo-ring. I grew up in a perfect, stuck-up, _boring_ pure-blood household. Magical tutoring from an age of six, small army of house-elves, huge library, Quidditch-pitch in the yard, terribly important dinner parties every second week – you name it, we had it.

I was the youngest of four children: Two brothers, who were eight – Pericles – and six – Philander – years older than me, as well as a sister: Parthenope, two years my senior.

Pericles was the long desiderated first-born, who was an exemplary student and became an Unspeakable when he finished Hogwarts. There was no magic he couldn't do. Philander also excelled, the perfect pure-blood who went into politics. Parthenope – she was the nestling. The baby girl my mum had always wanted.

Three children with three interesting Greek names.

Me, on the other hand – I wasn't wanted at all. I was an accident.

And in pure-blood families that's a bad thing.

The boy who was named _Peter_. What a boring name. Boo-ring.

Well. I had everything I could wish for – except for love, attention and talent. At least compared to my siblings.

Going to Hogwarts… it was my salvation. My dream come true. I knew I'd _never_ be able to compare to my brothers, but at least I was away from home – away from that depressing atmosphere that constantly told me I couldn't be good enough anyway. Even better: I was able to make my own friends, and hoped to spend more time with Parthenope.

Don't get me wrong. I had lots of issues with my parents, but I dearly loved my siblings. My brothers just didn't have much time for me. And neither did my sister from the time on she went to Hogwarts.

Anyway.

I was full of hopes and dreams when I stepped onto that train, and most of them were delusional, but one came true, and much better and brighter than I could ever have imagined.

The one about making friends.

They sat in the first compartment I dared to enter:

Four boys and one girl.

Obviously first-years, like me.

One seat was still vacant, so I asked if I could sit with them.

I could.

Within the quarter of an hour I'd learned everything important about my classmates:

There was Remus Lupin. A half-blood, and achingly shy, but very friendly and helpful.

Lily Evans, a muggleborn girl who knew the second boy. Bookish, bright, very eager.

The second boy, Severus Snape, who had grown up in the same area as Evans. Half-blood, morose, disliking most people on principle. Ugly, but, well, I wasn't exactly a beauty either.

There was James Potter. Arrogant pure-blood, I distinctly knew him from some dinner parties. Already madly in love with Evans.

And then there was Sirius Black. A child from a dark family, who cursed said family in every second sentence and had made quick friends with Potter. Clever, handsome, talkative, infectious – he was _perfect_.

At first I was shocked. Maybe even desperate.

Those two boys… Black and Potter, they were so much like my eldest brother Pericles – perfect in too many ways. I just knew, there was no way I was going to ever be noted in any way. Not in the shadow of those two.

Then, however, I was sorted into Gryffindor - my family having been Lions for generations - along with them.

And everything began to change.

James, Remus and Sirius… they were wonderful people.

And the four of us, we were a perfect team.

Remus was like me. Shy. Never sticking out.

James and Sirius, on the other hand, were shining brightly wherever they went.

We complemented each other perfectly. Even I had something to contribute, and oh, I did!

After three days we'd played our first prank, on a fellow Gryffindor - a second-year.

After three weeks we'd played our first prank on a Slytherin – Severus Snape.

After three months we'd played our first prank on a teacher - Professor Sinistra. She was not amused. Headmaster Dumbledore was.

Suddenly my life was far from boring.

I had three wonderful friends, and lots of fun, and more attention in a day than I'd have in a month at home. I was part of something. I was more than just the hanger-on, the misfit.

I was a _Marauder_.

And maybe I didn't excel in school, like Pericles did. However, my grades were good enough.

Maybe I didn't emit charisma wherever I went, or began to smooth the way for a political career, like Philander did. However, I made friends instead of grovelling.

Maybe I didn't make my way into teachers' hearts with one look, like Parthenope did. However, I didn't need that.

Life was good.

I had wonderful friends.

And the best, the brightest, the most wonderful of them was Sirius Black.

Bad for me that Sirius' best friend was James.

It took me more than four years to realize what my obsession for Sirius, me seeking his attentions desperately, running after him – what that really was.

Two facts came with that realization.

First, my family was going to disinherit me if they ever found out.

And second, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Because there was simply no way Sirius would ever reciprocate my… feelings. Infatuation. _Love_.

How could he?

After all I was just… me. Just Peter. Peter, the one who always comes last. Peter, who doesn't fit in. Peter, who's so boring no one's ever interested in him.

Boo-ring.

Just Peter.

It hurt.

But I knew I was right. I'd never be close enough for him to notice me. Not as a friend, there was no way I could have competed with James. And not as a… _partner_, not with all those girls buzzing around him like moths around a light.

Processing all that was not easy, but we were in OWL-year, and working on our animagus forms day and night, and tampering with our concept for the Marauder's map, and playing pranks by the idea, so nobody really noticed that I was quieter than usual, holding back and avoiding the one person I usually always ran after.

Now, in retrospect, I think that Sirius really _did_ appreciate my friendship. That he really did appreciate _me_.

Now I can think of so many times he was there for me, of so much he helped me with.

Back then, however, … I couldn't see that. All I could see was that he didn't seem to miss me when I suddenly began to seclude myself.

I'd followed him everywhere, desperate for any attention from him, and that's probably why people thought I was nothing but a hanger-on, someone depending on Sirius and James and even Remus. Who couldn't be _somebody_ on their own.

Well.

I _was_ depending on Sirius.

I couldn't have lived without him.

And for the rest of those seven years at Hogwarts I didn't have to.

Then, however, graduation came.

I made it through, of course I did, with tolerable grades, and applied for a job at the Ministry. Nothing worthy of my family name, however, I didn't care. I was out of the house, and not planning to go back there.

Still.

I was also out of Hogwarts.

Which meant that James and Sirius got themselves a flat they shared, and went to become aurors, and did everything together whenever James wasn't with Lily, and I was left behind once again.

And, although I'd known that it would happen, it hurt like hell.

Then, before I even had the chance to cope… Voldemort came.

Yup, by now I can say his name.

Somehow… I was thankful. Because, although I had to fear for Sirius' life day after day, it also meant that the Marauders were back together. As members of the Order of the Phoenix, of course, but still – we were united once again.

However, as the war went on… Voldemort began to hunt us down.

And when he couldn't get to us on the battlefield he tried some other tactics.

It was a rainy evening I was spending – alone – in my flat that I received the parcel. It was also the night Sirius had told us he was engaged, to some Ravenclaw witch he'd been dating for about three years at that time; James and Lily were already married.

I was hurt, and desperate, and alone.

Until the owl came.

When I opened the parcel…

Let's just say I tried to floo Sirius.

He threw me out, because he was _occupied_.

So, I went to Remus. Remus, who helped me. Remus, who comforted me. Remus, who informed Dumbledore.

Because there was no way I could deal with my sister's head in a box on my own.

Remus was there for me.

Not Sirius.

Not the one person I would've needed.

After that it went fast.

I tried to contact my other family members, but all of them were missing. An old family twist - we had lost all contact by then, even my siblings ignoring me - … had led to me not even realizing that they had disappeared.

Within weeks I received the heads of my brothers.

When Philander's came James was there to help me.

The time I was sent Pericles' head… it was Sirius' turn. Beautiful Sirius, who could have made everything so much easier for me. Instead he kept checking his watch. Clearly he tried to remember who had talked him into this. The second I appeared to have calmed down he disappeared. Back to his girlfriend.

Malfoy came later that night.

He told me that if I joined the Dark Lord, and spied for him, I could save my parents.

Guilt, desperation, bitterness and the age-old hope to live up to parents' expectations can be a dangerous combination.

So… I complied.

When I messed up an assignment my father was tortured and killed.

I never messed up again after that.

My friends… I had withdrawn from them. They didn't seem to mind, however, when Snape told the Dark Lord about the prophecy and James and Lily went into hiding… Sirius talked them into making me their secret keeper.

I knew then that he still trusted me. That he had trusted me all along, and that I _could_ have been his friend, if not his beloved.

However, I also knew that it was too late.

Because the Dark Lord still had my mother, or so I believed.

So, I sold my friends.

I figured that… if they really were my friends… they should've realized that something was wrong.

I figured that I, once again, was the one no one cared about. The one who didn't matter.

Oh, I wish I'd known better! I'd have done so much differently.

I didn't know, though.

And I was the Dark Lord's puppet. Desperate to stick out once again, and desperate to save my last family member.

When Sirius found me, after James and Lily had been… killed, his eyes were broken.

I, for once in the stronger position, taunted him. Tried to prove to him – and myself – that he, and James, and Lily, and Remus… that they all meant _nothing_ to me.

"Give up, Black! Dog days are over!"

Now… I don't want to imagine how much my betrayal must have hurt him. Maybe even almost as much as he hurt me.

I went into hiding after that. However, being in your animagus form for too long… you tend to lose all rational thinking, you only work on instincts. And yes, after almost thirteen years, my instincts told me that Sirius was dangerous. So – I listened to them. I wouldn't even have recognized him, after having been a rat for so long. Actually I don't think I would've been able to turn back myself. Hadn't it been for that spell… I'd still be a rat.

Oh, I wish I were!

Yes, life was boring then, but also so very easy! No guilt, no shame, no destructive heart-ache!

Well.

It was not my choice to make.

Suddenly I was back in the game, and little Harry was almost grown up, and all my family was thought dead, and Sirius' fiancé was dead as well, and he _hated_ me… and I couldn't take _that_.

So I went back to the Dark Lord.

It was painful and humiliating and _wrong_, but I was desperate.

And I wanted to know what'd happened to my mother.

When I found out that she'd been dead all along… I tried to leave.

However.

My shaken mind was way too weak to resist the _Imperius_.

I thought, but it wasn't enough, and I did some terrible things. Still, I didn't give up. I was a Gryffindor, after all.

I fought until I found out that Sirius was dead. That day... all my resistance broke down.

I don't really know what happened after that.

I just know that I'm a ghost now, because I've got some unfinished business. Which is probably Sirius.

I also know that I won't ever see Sirius again, because when he fell through that curtain he went straight to a level of existence that ghosts can't enter. And that he can't leave.

Well. I'd known straight away.

Forever alone, right?

* * *

So, now you know my story.

Not what you expected, I suppose?

…

Well.

Not what I expected either.

Just… could you do me a favour?

…

Could you, when you die, tell Sirius that I was always his friend, and always will be? Could you tell him about my family, and my stupid feelings for him?

Because I want him to know that it wasn't a mistake to be my friend.

And that he was the best friend I ever could have wished for.

Could you do that?

…

Yes?

Thank you…


End file.
